Highlight From This Week's Blog

"I find safety in space and silence, and I would be so much more comfortable with my role in this if I could remain silent and reclusive behind my computer or smart phone. The quantity of unknown variables terrifies me. Where's my safety net?"


-Sam Owens

The GrateMind Blog


Authored By:

GrateMinds Productions' own

Sam Owens

&

Jerry Addis

The Beginning Of A New Journey

November 9, 2018

Several years ago, in a moment of intense grief and loss, a dear friend imparted some serious, but common, wisdom. "Give it time. A year from now, you don't know where you'll be, and none of this will even matter." A lot can change in a year. A lot has changed in a year. Two weeks before Thanksgiving, 2017, I was alone and struggling for a sense of self-worth and meaning. I completed unplugged myself from all forms of social media except for my blog on WordPress.com, and began systematically disconnected myself from the human element altogether. I had reached a point where no amount of Jesus or alcohol could give me any sense of purpose. 

I was by no means prepared for the journey that was ahead of me. 

I must admit, though they have been the happiest months of my adult life, from December until now have passed at warp speed. I find myself grasping at memories, trying to store them away before they're too far gone to remember. One moment, I'm living alone with my cat and my daughter, trying to square everything away in the event that the emptiness swallowed me whole, and the next, I'm living two counties away, balancing work and parenting, in addition to helping run a film company and make an actual film. 

My cup runneth over.

No, seriously. Bring a mop. I can't keep up.

Out of nowhere, I have found purpose. I have someone who constantly pushes me to, not only try harder, but to ignore my self-imposed limitations. And in spite of all the resistance I give in an attempt to stay in my comfort zone, he continues to speak life into me. 

Slowly... slowly... cynicism gives way to mild skepticism. I'm fairly certain I'm on the cusp of having genuine hope and optimism for the first time in actual years. It's there. I can feel the positivity clawing at the back of my throat, but still fear stomps it down. It never fails, that once things have a glimmer of even slightly going my way, something happens. How are we going to finance this? We need a bigger house and a bigger car. When are we going to do this? I have to work. I'm tired. My stomach is in knots. I want to sleep for 26 1/2 hours straight. What am I even supposed to be doing right now? How am I supposed to make all these calls when I can't talk to people I don't know without stuttering? I can't even remember what I went into the kitchen for. How am I supposed to remember who to call or email and what to tell them? I have so so many doubts, and yet, by the sheer grace of God, somehow still I am lifted up and supported in everything I do. A year ago I didn't have that. A year ago, while I had friends who were empathetic and there when I needed to talk, I didn't have anyone physically putting a computer or a camera in my hand, saying, not "you can", but "you will do this." 

A year ago, I was all but physically dead.

Today, in the midst of the complete and utter chaos that is my life, I am completely revived. 


- Sam Owens

Inside My Mind

November 16, 2018

As my Assistant Director is unable to provide a blog this week, I feel personally obliged, to you, our viewer to cover down, if not just for the sake of consistency, but the drive to continue to better myself and build up those around me by showing that it is ok to lead from within the pack. I digress.


In the wake of getting ready to truly breathe life into our newest film, “Jeff & Joan”, I can’t help but feed the creative fire that burns inside me to continue writing. There’s something about the flashing cursor on my screen that begs me to keep typing. New ideas constantly flow into my beehive of a brain and my pen can’t seem to keep up with me. These images that keep scribbling themselves into my imagination of new characters and stories have translated to what looks like a 4 year olds etch-a-sketch drawing. I’m okay with the fact that I’m the only one who can decipher the encrypted code, but my anxiety escalates every time I look at it. These ideas I have are still only ideas and it crawls under my skin that I haven’t filmed them yet.


Sometimes I feel like I underestimate myself on just how much thinking I actually do a day. Even when asked, “what’s on your mind?” I simply shrug and spit out a very false, “Nothing.” The reality of it is, it would take me too long to explain what’s going on up there. It’s almost like the introduction scene to a marvel film, where all the pages flip by just fast enough to kind of register who’s on them, yet still to fast to give any real details. Words, faces, words, faces... how could I possibly translate this to someone? “Nothing” just seems like the more reasonable response.

I confront the fact that not only are these creative bursts of ingenuity constantly buzzing in my brain, but in regards to current projects... I don’t know when to stop. I am consistently overloaded with tasks that I feel are pertinent at that very moment... and in this, instead of feeling overwhelmed, I am inspired to drive harder.


- Jerry Addis

Reservations For Days

November 24, 2018

We did it! We've made it through our official press release. I keep seeing promotions for our film all over social media, and I even had a co-worker casually mention that he saw it on Facebook. How exciting is that? Everything is coming together. We are getting sponsors and support. We are coming to a place where, when we mention "Jeff & Joan," we see recognition and excitement instead of disinterest and confusion. We are making a movie, and our small town knows. 

Queue anxiety.

Did I mention that my actual given name was used in the press release? 

Suddenly, this isn't just a project belonging to Jerry Addis. This is a team effort. I'm being credited in this. I had a moment a few days ago, while having some release forms signed in Pickens and Easley, where I realized I was handing out business cards with my name and phone number on them. I, a small town girl who enjoys the luxury of not being known, am deliberately telling people who I am. I, an antisocial queen of awkwardness, am deliberately telling people to call me.  I keep bracing myself for that moment when someone says "Hey! I know you," and I don't know what to say. I keep waiting for phone calls, rehearsing in my mind how to say whatever I'm supposed to say so that my words come out right when the time comes to say them. 

Is there a book somewhere?

"How to sound like you know what you're doing when you have no clue - for dummies"?

Is that a thing? Can I get a digital copy? 

I find safety in space and silence, and I would be so much more comfortable with my role in this if I could remain silent and reclusive behind my computer or smart phone.  The quantity of unknown variables terrifies me. Where's my safety net? 

I'll tell you where he is.

He's going non-stop, sending emails, making phone calls, and talking to people as if they won't actually bite. He's speaking things into existence. He's making friends and allies in the industry as if befriending people is some sort of involuntary reflex instead of an intensely calculated decision. 

Who does that? Who just talks to people without weighing the risks and attempting to predict all possible outcomes beforehand?


My director.

And normal people, apparently. 


It's safe to say that I have some reservations. I desperately want this film to be a success, and I'm ever so slightly inching my way out of my heavily guarded mental safe room, but January is swiftly approaching. I cannot wait to get through all the preliminary stuff and actually start filming. I want to be done with the talking to strangers and not sounding like I know what I'm doing. I am ready to be in a place where the people around me can recognize my timidness and shyness as just a part of who I am instead of seeing me as  some sort of bumbling idiot who has no idea what she's doing. 

So, while our esteemed director is out there working his magic and speaking everything into existence, I'm going to just keep holding my breath and counting down the days until we've talked to everyone, signed every form, and nobody is a stranger anymore.  

About The Author

Sam Owens

Sam Owens began blogging in 2014 at the encouragement of others who followed her posts on other forms of social media. She writes from the heart and draws inspiration from the struggles she faces in her personal life. 

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